The Miscarriage

Preston couldn't come back to the exam room with me due to COVID, so when they called me back, I walked slowly and was shaking. My heart was beating so fast the entire time. When my doctor came in and started the ultrasound, I was praying that she would see a heartbeat or some indication of a baby. I had no idea what I was looking at, and the time that it took her to do the ultrasound and tell me the news felt like a million years. She looked at me and said "I'm sorry..." and I knew immediately that my suspicions were true. "There's no baby," she finished. She was really kind and caring about the whole thing, which made it a little easier especially because Preston couldn't be there with me. I cried and she hugged me which actually really helped. It made me feel less alone. She told me that 25% of women have miscarriages, and that if you really think about how babies are made at a biological level, it's crazy that 75% of them go on to be healthy pregnancies. 

​I was still heartbroken, though. 

​I didn't understand it. My biggest dream for as long as I can remember was/is being a mom. I think constantly about how there are good and loving people who want a baby so bad but can't get pregnant, have miscarriages, etc., and then how there are people who don't want a baby at all, or who get pregnant even though they're on drugs, and how their babies are perfectly fine. Why? That seems a little backwards to me. It seems unfair. I know that God has a bigger plan for everyone, but it's still frustrating to hear those stories about the alcoholics and druggies who get pregnant and have the baby, then complain that the baby is "inconvenient" or "unwanted." I so desperately want the baby and to raise the baby, so I didn't understand why I had to lose my baby. 

​Having a miscarriage destroyed me. I took on so much guilt, confusion, anger, and sadness. I didn't understand it at all. Was it something I did? I did a 4 mile run a couple weeks before, did that cause it? I had to learn and grow and realize that nothing I had done (or didn't do) could have caused the miscarriage. One of our close friends told us that maybe our baby was just too pure to be here Earth side. I whole heartedly believe that we will be able to raise this baby in an afterlife, and our friends words helped, but I also wanted my baby now. My body and my heart had a lot of healing to do and I wasn't sure how or if I could move on from something like this.